I ran a mile in less than seven minutes

Boom shakka lakka lakka boom.

A symbol of my individuality and my belief in personal freedom

I have a large number of older David Lynch movies I have to get around to watching, especially to build excitement for the rare chance that I may actually get to see his new piece, Inland Empire. I've seen most of them, but it's been so long that I really have no memory whatsoever. The only film I can remember from start to finish is Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. Today I started my Lynch extravaganza, and I plan to continue it over my break.

Wild At Heart is among Lynch's more linear pieces, and this is probably because it's based on a novel (Wild at Heart: The Story of Sailor and Lula by Barry Gifford). There tends to be a pattern to Lynch's work: if it springs entirely from his mind, it is an iconic and often wholly incomprehensible Lynch piece (see: Blue Velvet and Mulholland Drive, among others). When the work is based on another piece--whether it be a real-life occurrence or a novel--it is easier to follow, yet still marked with Lynch's fingerprints (see also: The Straight Story, The Elephant Man).

And boy, are his fingerprints all over this one. Anybody who has watched multiple Lynch pictures will know that there are recurring motifs--images or sounds that intrigue the director. Fire is one of those things, and it plays a huge role in the picture. Not only is fire an essential part of the story (it is the demise of one key character), but it appears interstitially during jump cuts. Lynch is, perhaps, best known for his use of fire in Twin Peaks and its subsequent film adaptation, Fire Walk With Me. More common in the auteur's repertoire is the use of slow motion. It only appears to be used in two establishing shots of a junky apartment in New Orleans, but it adds the unsettling, dreamlike Lynch quality to the scenes. Other familiar elements appear as well (the yellow lines passing on the road, a'la Lost Highway, for instance), but in Wild At Heart, unlike, say, Mulholland Drive, they are not used to tell the story.

The essential Lynchian theme is the collision of idyllic, dreamlike Americana contrasted starkly with either brutal violence or brazen sexuality. This film has plenty of those collisions. Much to the delight of all the women in the crowd, Nicholas Cage performs Elvis Presley's ballad "Love Me," sandwiched between a barfight and an intense lovemaking session with his girlfriend. A brutal skull-crushing is underscored by Angelo Badalamenti's 1950's-esque dream pop.

The most incomprehensible (and yet the least Lynchesque) element of the film is the allusion to The Wizard of Oz. I've very infrequently seen Lynch reference other films within his own work. Certainly, he pays due to famous starlets of the golden age of cinema, but other narratives seem to have been off-limits. However, The Wizard of Oz is all over this piece. Lula (played by Laura Dern) references her homicidal mother as the Wicked Witch. Lula recalls her mother's cackle as her father was murdered. She sees an eerie, broom-riding specter following her car. In the end, Lula even vanquishes her mother's influence by tossing water onto a photograph of her (which shortly thereafter disappears, steaming). After a particularly brutal scene of sexuality involving Willem Dafoe's character Bobby Peru, Lula clicks the heels of her red slippers, almost in a cry to return to a place she could be comfortable. When that reprieve doesn't come, she slumps into a ball in the motel room. It is almost as if Lula lives her life in the fantasy world of Oz in an attempt to come to terms with all of the terrible things that had happened to her. In the end, it is only fitting that she is saved by the Good Witch.

Wild At Heart is not mindless entertainment, obviously, but it is an interesting film, and it stands up to aimless analysis. The film was made during the production run of Twin Peaks, and it's interesting to see so many cast members in roles so different from their television personae (Grace Zabriski, David Patrick Kelly, Fenn, Jack Nance, Sheryl Lee, and Frances Bay all make appearances).. In addition, there are some truly disturbing (Defoe) and moving (Dern, as well as Peaks' Fenn) performances that are entirely worth making this film part of your collection. So do it already.

Take a tit in each hand and let nature take its course

Going through my DVD collection, I stumbled across an old chestnut that I picked up for $5.50 at Wal Mart because I vaguely remembered watching a comedy about a train crashing on Comedy Central back before their original programming was such a large part of their line-up. I had discovered a number of movies on Comedy Central that rank among my favorite comedies of all time today. Airheads is a silly and inconsequential bit of fluff that I'm glad to say has lodged its way into my collection. Better Off Dead, which used to play ad nauseum, recently ranked number 3 on my personal top twenty-five comedies of all time list.

The movie I remembered was, obviously, Silver Streak. I'm typically a sucker for anything Gene Wilder, and Silver Streak is no exception. This is the first time I've seen the movie in full, and it didn't quite live up to my expectations. But how could it? Gene Wilder! Richard Prior! A murder mystery! A train! Hearing the premise on the back of the box made me think of Hitchcock's near-perfect thriller, Strangers on a Train. They even wanted me to think it! Here, listen:

"In this wild comedy adventure, rail passenger George Caldwell (Gene Wilder) finds that a romantic escapade with a sultry secretary (Jill Clayburgh) puts him in the middle of a Hitchcockian murder plot."

Hitchcockian. Nice. Sorry to say, the only way this plot could be considered Hitchcockian was if Hitchcock had been bashed in the head with a billy club and became partially mentally retarded. But then, I don't watch my Gene Wilder movies for the intrigue. I watch them for the wit.

There is nothing extremely brilliant about Silver Streak. It seems to be one of those movies that makes up for its lack of quality with its breadth of talent. There is a charisma about Gene Wilder that makes even the lamest comedies worth watching. Yes, See No Evil Hear No Evil, I'm looking in your direction. Richard Prior is consistently funny, even when he doesn't seem to be trying. There's a Steppin Fetchit routine that just knocked my socks off. It's a shame that neither of these comedians is working today (one's in some sort of retirement, the other is in some sort of coffin).

One of my favorite parts of the movie, upon first watching, probably wasn't meant to be funny. There is a scene at the beginning in which the female lead hits on Gene Wilder unsolicited, coming on in a way that is so unbelievably strong that you really believe she thought to herself, "There is something about that man and his untameable Jew-fro mane that just makes me want to SEX that." There's definitely a chemistry between the two actors, which is nice to see in something like a late seventies comedy caper (and would be nice to see in modern romances).

Another funny part--although it's funny to the detriment of the picture--is the cop logic. Most movies have some level of blurred reality when it comes to police work, but Silver Streak may have the most bizarre moments of all. Cops will pull their gun on almost anybody, and this is evidenced throughout. This is no surprise, and it occurs in almost every movie ever made. Real cops just don't pull their guns unless they see a weapon. I think that's the rule. Anyway, after arresting George (Gene Wilder) under suspicion of murder, the police clear his name. Then, they GIVE HIM A GUN AND A BOX OF LIVE AMMUNITION. They armed a civilian and drove him to a firefight. Not only that, but they left him unprotected. All of the other police wear body armor as they approach the villain, but George is left in his fashionable sweater and a pair of nice slacks.

Minor problems, really, and one can appreciate a level of banality in a movie that includes a shuckin' and jivin' Gene Wilder in blackface. Catch it if it's on television, but pass on the buy unless you're a die-hard Gene Wilder fan, as Richard Pryor doesn't even enter until the halfway point.

I will leave you with my favorite quote from the movie, which will become my insult-of-choice assuming I can wrap my head around it enough to memorize it. "You stupid, ignorant, son-of-a-bitch dumb bastard!" Uh...take it easy, killer. Stay loose.

Quick, man! Cling tenaciously to my buttocks!

In the continued effort to view every DVD on my shelf, I had a The Ren and Stimpy Show marathon today. I've been meaning to watch this box set since Halloween ended, but every time I tried to pop the first disc of Seasons Three and a Half-ish, I fell asleep. Finals week was the perfect time to sit down and watch DVDs, because I don't study and I literally had nothing to do for days at a time.

You know those shows that you loved when you were little, and you rewatch it on DVD and realize that it IS good, but for entirely different reasons than you had thought years in the past? Pee-wee's Playhouse is one of them. Ren and Stimpy is not. In fact, it doesn't hold up particularly well for me at all. The humor is silly, but not my kind of silly. I also threw up in my mouth a little bit when the titular pets choked down steaming glasses of skunk milk.

There are good moments, of course. Gilbert Gottfried and Rosie O'Donnell provide great guest voices that I didn't catch as "guest voices" the first time. Every episode had one or two laugh-out-loud moments. I am in love with the episode "House of Next Tuesday," which plays on the various classic cartoons involving the House of Tomorrow, which I also love. However, all in all it falls flat for me. I can see kids today loving this, even with the glut of Cartoon Network and NickToons originals currently on television. Something tells me that they'd be able to tell the marked quality difference between this and, say, Thugaboo.

A lot of to-do is made about John K.'s eviction from the show, and it was a travesty. However, I can see no marked decline in quality from the first box set to the second. John K. was revolutionary in his animation and in his twisted premises, but Bob Camp and the rest continue that tradition equally well. The animation is beautiful, and the inventiveness the animators have in creating expressions for the characters is the best since the golden years of Warner Bros. cartoons, and remains unrivaled by anything since.

Ren and Stimpy is not really suited for marathon viewing. If you buy the box sets, I would recommend popping it in on for an episode or two on a Saturday night, sandwiched between The Adventures of Pete and Pete episodes while you wait for Are You Afraid of the Dark? to hit DVD.

Neglect, etc.

I haven't stopped doing things on this list, but I have stopped posting about them. Deal.

I completed "Friends #6," which was to play board games with friends. Over Thanksgiving, my pal Brad came home from Ohio, and we went over to our friend Chris's to play. I have discovered the joy of Euro-games.

I dressed up for no reason, wearing a shirt and tie to a day's worth of classes. Done and done.

I rediscovered "reading for pleasure," and I have to say that it was far earlier than I had intended. I figured it would wait until after I graduated school and cooled down from my English-major-reading fervor. However, I made friends with a little monster called "Seminar in Drama," where we've been reading modern drama. I was moved by classics like "Our Town" and puzzled by modern plays like "The Birthday Party" and "Buried Child." Either way, I enjoyed the hell out of it. I ate them up. I discovered I could enjoy reading even when I had to do it for class--assuming the reading was worth my time.

Write a short story...I did one better, but I'm still going to count it. I wrote a novel. And no, I won't post it, because it's not swell.

Writing a poem every week. I'm sure that I've been slacking, but I've found that I can't force myself to write a poem. Sometimes it comes to me and sometimes it doesn't. I think, though, I've averaged about a poem per week. Just Monday I wrote two good ones. The real test will be keeping it up through times when I'm not in a poetry class.

I'm halfway done with the completion of my Beatles collection. I received "Yellow Submarine" for my birthday. Now I only have one disc to go--the "songtrack" to Yellow Submarine--to finish that puppy off for good.

Finally, I spent my birthday (observed) with my family playing Trivial Pursuit. My parents, my brother, my sister, and her manfriend. That's it. Move along.

Aside from the dubiousness of the poetry task, I have officially failed my first task. It has been over two months since I've seen Chris the Great or Tim. I'll have to get on it--I have a winter break coming up in a little over a week. Here's hoping.

A poem?

The intention of this poem was not to be "good." It's a freewriting exercise from my poetry course. The professor would read a random line from a poem, and we would react. As we were righting, he'd randomly select another line and it would have to move our poem along.

down in the alley
he saw what you did
despicable
degrading
dirty
and the look in his eyes alone
was worth the price of admission to you
and as the other finished reaping the bounty
of forbidden fruit
he burned like a roman candle
superhot behind a trash bin. then,
like some horrible dream come true
he produced a box cutter
from inside his sock and
stalked forward, irate and rambling,
his spittle staining the back of your neck as he
approached.
the joy in your revenge
faded like twilight in November
you didn't remember pain
but you remembered cold
and later, wet
the movies are wrong about stabbings
the real pain comes later with infection
and even after infection subsides
the pain is going nowhere
fast.

Haikus: the lazy way

I feel like I'm not really "writing a new poem every week" when I write haikus, but Japanese people write haikus so screw yourself. My poetry class is coming up again this week (after a 2-week hiatus), so I'll have something real next week.

sacco's eating figs
why is sacco eating figs?
is she eating figs?

Freddy vs. Jason vs. Spoodles: A Date With Destiny

I'm finally killing Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees once and for all this afternoon: I'm finishing my month-long horror-movie marathon. What kind of content will this site have once I'm done? Hell if I know.

Wes Craven's New Nightmare is the final movie in the Nightmare series proper, and what a fitting send-off it is. The film takes the tired Elm Street formula and turns it on its head, creating one of the scariest films in the franchise (second only to the original).

The conceit of this film is that we are now in the REAL world. The actress who played Nancy in the first and third installments is back, but this time she is playing the actress who played Nancy. Robert England (nee Freddy Krueger) appears in the flesh, as does director Wes Craven. Nancy...er...Heather is haunted by dreams (not to mention creepy phone calls) that Freddy has become real. The reasoning is well thought out (at least for a movie that involves multiple impalings).

Freddy is back--kind of--although it's not the same Freddy we've come to know and loathe in the five prior sequels. This Freddy doesn't have time for quips, video games, or pizza pies. Garbed in a new, black trenchcoat, he's all business, and he's scary as hell. Given the new level of gravitas in this film, I'm reasonably satisfied despite the minimal amount of gore and death.

Sure, one man is slashed across the chest. And another is given the same treatment as Nancy's friend in the first film. But the only really inventive sequence isn't actually a kill at all. Heather's child is attempting to cross the freeway in a surprisingly-well-filmed and intense scene, and Freddy dangles the boy above cars in front of his frightened mother's eyes.

That's right. For the first time, Krueger does what he was meant to do: he haunts and attempts to kill a child. While child actors have a tendency to virtually suck the life out of any movie in a hurry (see: The Lost World: Jurassic Park; The Phantom Menace; The Mummy Returns, etc.), New Nightmare remains unscathed and actually benefits from the talent of its creepy little bugger. Of course, this is partially due to the kid in question: precocious Full House smartass and Kindergarten Cop know-it-all Miko Hughes. Boys have a penis and girls have a ba-gina indeed, Miko.

New Nightmare is a more-than-fitting end to the Elm Street series, and it's a shame that some schlub goalie is about to make Freddy Krueger his bitch.

We have had many epic battles in our time--Tyson vs. Holyfield; Brown vs. the Board of Education--but none were quite so gloriously bloody as Jason vs. Freddy, the ultimate horror clash (until they find a way to work Michael Myers in there). Freddy has been dormant for four years because everybody has forgotten about him, so he culls Jason Voorhees from the depths of hell in order to wreak chaos and inspire fear on Elm Street until we have approximately forty-too-many words of exposition without any blood splatter.

As a film, Vs. is not exactly high art (even by the standards of the ten Fridays and seven Nightmares). The last ten minutes of this film alone contains more blood and gore than any of the predecessors' entire movies. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Really, Freddy vs. Jason is the best of both worlds. You have the brute-strength slaughters of the inimitable Mr. Voorhees, but you also get the creepy, dreamlike maulings of our man Krueger. In other words, if you're tired of somebody's face being eaten by a giant, pot-smoking caterpillar, you won't have to wait long for somebody to get stabbed in the torso fifteen times and folded in half by a cot.

There are a couple of "OH YEAH!" moments in the film, and they all belong exclusively to Jason. What can I say? I'm a gore fella. Weirdly, I think I enjoy the Nightmare series more as a whole, but there's no number of shitty one-liners that can have the same effect as the strong, silent type shoving a flaming machete through your chest with naught but the flick of a wrist. Anyway, Jason gets a fair number of said machete-slayings (as well as the aforementioned "stabbing a guy fifteen times and closing the cot on him"), but he gets to do some other cool stuff. He breaks a guy's neck so fast that the head seems to spin 720 degrees. And of course, no good Jason movie would be complete without somebody literally being chopped in half.

Blah blah blah. It's all unimportant, because the final half hour becomes the promised main event. The spawn of Satan versus the killer from Crystal Lake. Freddy vs. Jason. I've never seen a movie offer up so much gratuitous blood and sinew. Ever. Each of the characters gets hacked and slashed at least thirty times, and the flesh is flyin'. If you don't like spoilers, look away now: Freddy gets his ass handed to him by Jason. OR DOES HE? Well, yeah. He really does. Unless Freddy is going to kill you with his winking, disembodied head, Jason wins by means of retaining some of his limbs.

Thanks to everyone for reading. Thanks to Freddy Krueger for putting the "laughter" in "slaughter," and thanks to Jason Voorhees for putting the "machete" in "pretty much everybody."

Not long now

They've come up with more "definitive" ways to kill Freddy Krueger than dwarves under Snow White's dominion. If you are not afraid of Freddy, he will be OBLITERATED! If you love Freddy, he will be OBLITERATED! If you finally put Freddy's remains to rest, he will be OBLITERATED! If you show him his reflection, he will be OBLITERATED! It doesn't exactly add a whole lot of credibility to the series. Jason Voorhees was only obliterated once. The rest of the time he just got axed in the forehead, and we all know how easy it is to survive that.

Yet somehow, despite the fact that he is finally defeated in a final showdown (of finality) at the end of every movie, he manages to come back for more. He's been jumping from host to host. He's been reincarnated via fire-pissing dog. And then there was the Dream Child.

In A Nightmare On Elm Street, Part 5: The Dream Child, Freddy is born again via the various bodily oozes of our surviving characters from its predecessor, The Dream Master. We see him emerge from his mother's womb a scarred and disfigured demon child (the doctor's understandable first words: "Holy shit!"). And then he haunts the dreams of The Dream Master's unborn fetus.

Babies apparently sleep and dream for eighteen hours of the day (at least in the terrifying mind of Wes Craven), and this allows for the interesting tangent that the Dream Master can dream when she's awake. There are moments that you're uncertain: is this a dream or is this reality? And then you realize that the "dreams" are the ones that include Freddy Krueger turning into a superhero or a chef ("Bon appetit, bitch!"). Much of a stretch? Well, yeah.

There are some decent kills, although not enough for my tastes. One character is made into a motorcycle-human hybrid and fuel-injected until Freddy can harvest his soul. Another is force-fed until her stomach explodes. The coolest part of the movie isn't actually a kill, but Freddy is stabbed right through the mouth with a pool skimmer.

Then, of course, he is OBLITERATED forever or until the next year when New Line wants another couple bucks out of the deal.

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare! Wow! There's no way he can make it out of this one alive!

Wait...of course he can. Jason [went] to Hell but he made it out in due time to slaughter some astronauts and enter mortal combat with our wrinkly lord and savior, Freddy himself. So of course Freddy will never actually die.

A touch of class: Freddy's Dead begins with a famous Nietzsche quote ("Do you know the terror of he who falls asleep? To the toes he is very terrified, Because the ground gives the way under him, And the dream begins..."), followed by a famous Freddy quote ("Welcome to Prime Time, bitch!").

I'm pretty sure that killing Freddy for good was for the best. The kills in this film were pretty lame. One boy is trounced in a video game Freddy is playing with his "power-glove." With Freddy, the sky is the limit: he can kill anybody however he'd like. It's a shame that he did it in such cheesy ways.

Still, there's some good stuff. One character falls through the atmosphere and lands on a bed of spikes (which have been placed there Road-Runner-style by a mischievous Krueger). Freddy taunts a deaf kid by stealing his hearing aid and giving it back to him with all new modifications. Let's just say the deaf guy's noggin isn't long for this world.

And then there's the 3D. It's really poorly done. Where Friday the 13th Part 3 had its share of incredible sequences--harpoons going towards the camera, eyeballs popping out, the works--the extent of this 3D involves some animated demons flying around and causing a ruckus. Great.

This really does feel like the final chapter of a saga. Characters return from the past--Johnny Depp makes a surprise appearance. Also, there's an incredible Freddy montage that runs over the end credits. I'm two movies away from finishing the saga for real. Stay tuned for Wes Craven's New Nightmare and Freddy Vs. Jason, the culmination of the last month of my life.

A haiku 4 u

My buddy Sacco's MySpace name is "Sacco!!!1!!1", inspiring this glorious haiku.

the name is sacco
and there are ones between the
exclamation points

The Dream Post

Today I continued my Masters of Horror 2006 movie marathon with a couple of Nightmare on Elm Street flicks.

When I popped A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors in, I knew I was in for something special almost immediately. Patricia Arquette! Lawrence "Larry" Fishburne! Dick Cavett! Zsa Zsa Gabor! The stars have come out for Freddy Kreuger's grand return to form!

And it is a return to form. The second film ventured into the realm of possession, and it's nice to see Freddy back in the dream world and turning into a giant, hungry worm.

There are some other elaborate kills, which I've come to expect from the inimitable Mr. Kreuger. Freddy slits one boy's wrists and ankles, pulling out the sinew and walking him like a marionette off of a high ledge. With a fair amount of traditional Freddy snark, he smashes a young lady into a television. "This is it, Jennifer. Your big break in TV." The catchphrases are hit-or-miss, but that's the nature of the one-liner.

Our heroine from the first Nightmare film, Nancy, makes her triumphant return in a more secure and mature position--sage guru to the institutionalized remainder of the Elm Street kids. Patricia Arquette is the film's heroine--a woman that can bring other people into her dreams. These Dream Warriors are a rag-tag team of horror-movie misfits--the mute, the wheelchair-bound geek, the punk girl, and the black guy--so you know they aren't long for this world. The wheelchair kid doesn't get it quite as badly as the handicapped all-star in Friday the 13th: Part 2, and somehow the majority of the outcasts survive. Unexpected and disappointing to be sure.

Lawrence Fishburne is a smooth mothafudga. Even in his supporting role as a mental hospital orderly, he exudes more charisma than the rest of the cast combined. If I had to make a prediction, I would say that someday this Larry Fishburne will be a big action movie star with gappy teeth.

The classy saga continues with A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master. It's so classy, in fact, that it begins with a quote from the Bible. "And he drowned the mute kid inside of a waterbed. And it was good. (Freddy 1:14-16)"

That's right. Freddy was so pissed off about missing the obvious horror-flick targets in Dream Warriors that he came back for them. The mute guy gets drowned, the black guy gets glove-stabbed, and the Patricia Arquette character gets downgraded to a lesser blonde actress. Oh, and also she is burnt to a crisp.

Director Renny Harlin (CUTTHROAT ISLAND, bitches) doesn't leave us without our share of easy prey, though. In fact, he bundles them up into one convenient package. We get a character that is simultaneously black, geeky, and a supporting female character. Good luck making it out alive, Urkelette.

Freddy is reborn in an inventive way: a dog pisses fire onto his grave. You can't make this stuff up.

The deaths are slightly more slapstick-y than in the previous flick. Freddy eats one person on a pizza. Another is caught in a roach motel. Still, we get some good stuff. The health-conscious female (hel-LO big hair!) has her forearms snapped in half by a slightly-heavier-than-usual bench press workout. Another character literally has the life sucked out of her, leaving the shell of a human being.

Only four more movies to go until I'm the shell of a human being. I'll keep y'all posted.

Mix n match

I made a mix CD (actually, two mix CDs) for my friend Nick. I wasn't thinking of this list, so I didn't save a track listing.

The first mix was made because Nick wanted a track from the soundtrack to Hannibal. He called it "Aria Da Capo," so I began the CD with that track and filled up the CD with quality music.

The next mix was made because apparently that wasn't the track he wanted. He wanted "the opera music from the movie," which was actually called "Vide Cor Meum." I made a second mix ending with this track.

Another goal completed without even knowing it. Soon I'm going to be left with a list of nothing but crazy-ass stuff like "Sky dive" and "Punt midget off of a tall building."

Another week, another bit of foul poesy

Bender Ben killed Pissdrunk Pam
And then he killed her yet again.
The shallow wound now oozing, cut
By a sword no mightier than a pen.
In a little bit Ben had a fit
And tied a striped noose round his neck.
They stuck him in a wooden box
And dressed him in his Sunday best
And all his friends, they came to mourn
The dear, departed dude deceased
And one sage lush forlornly sighed
"T'was truly duty killed the beast."

The Killers: Sam's Town

My good buddy Brad Keen! and I have been e-mailing each other a bit lately, and he recommended to me the newest release by The Killers. That's not to say that I wouldn't have gotten it anyway if I had known it was out.

I've always equated The Killers with another recent dance-pop band, The Format. The Format fell apart in their second album (Dog Problems). The Killers triumphs in theirs.

Sam's Town is an excellent sophomore album. I haven't listened to it enough to give you favorite songs, but I've listened it enough to complete part of a task.

Boo-ya, list! In your face!

Another day, another horror franchise

I'm in the mood for something psychological. Maybe it's because I spent the last two weeks seeing teens being brutally stabbed to death by a big lug with a bushman's knife. It was time for a change. It was time to see teens being brutally stabbed by a bladed glove.

Hey, I said I was in the mood for something psychological--not something intelligent.

A Nightmare on Elm Street is, indeed, psychological--at least more so than the Friday the 13th franchise. Sure--we've all been into the deep woods. Or Manhattan. Or outer space in the year 2455. But none of us seem to spend an awful lot of time in any of these places, due in part to the fact that they are each of them inherently terrifying.

That's where Nightmare comes in. It brings the horror close to home. And by "close to home" I mean "to your home." Our hero, Freddy Kreuger, sneaks into your dreams while you're safe in your bed. Then he rips your guts out and paints the wall with your blood. Heartwarming.

The first movie in the series is great. Unlike Friday, which I found to be satisfyingly gruesome but not scary, Nightmare is a thoroughly chilling movie. Freddy can really do just about anything he wants, which means every phobia the viewer has will be checked off sooner or later. Scared of being stalked through your neighborhood? Happens all the time. Afraid that your sheets will crawl around your neck while you're sleeping and hang you from the ceiling? Freddy's done it. And also, you worry too much.

Because these movies (or at least the first one) focus less on gore and more on fear, there aren't many exceptional kills. There is one clear champion in this film, and it involves a young man credited as "Introducing Johnny Depp." Presumably he lost that first word somewhere early on in his career. Bedecked in a belly-shirt and a pair of mondo headphones, Depp is eaten alive by his bed. The best is yet to come, though. The bed regurgitates Depp's blood for a solid two minutes, spraying the ceiling and walls. There is so much blood that it actually begins leaking through the ceiling.

There are other fun moments. We get to see the star's best friend tossed around the room and brutally murdered, presumably for cheating on John Cusack in Better Off Dead. The heroine is french-kissed by her telephone for some reason. The final confrontation is like a mix between Beetlejuice and Home Alone; Freddy knows how to take a sledge to the chest like only a Wet Bandit could. The movie ends like the Friday films before it--unintelligibly.

My favorite bit in the movie is the alcoholic mom. In every scene, she seems to be pulling a bottle of booze from the most random locations. She sneaks into the linen closet for some vodka from under the towels. She pulls a bottle out from under her pillow as her daughter is tucking her in. There's even a jug of whiskey right by the fiery incinerator, which is kind of handy in the event of an attack. I'm reasonably sure that this isn't meant to be funny--alcoholics do hide bottles, I guess--but it SO is.

I really have no complaints about this movie. There's a reason it's a horror classic, and I'm disappointed that I missed its recent theater revival.

Which brings us to A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge. Essentially, the whole movie is one big complaint. While it took Friday the 13th nine movies to hit "possession," Nightmare abandons its key "dream" premise and instead brings Freddy's kills to the real world in its second installment.

Freddy has some bright moments in this flick, though. For starters, he wreaks havoc on a pool party full of teens. He tops the body count of the series' first installment in this scene alone. Most importantly though, he succeeds where Jason has always failed before--he kills actual pets on-screen. Two birds (sleeping after a blanket is put over their cage) are brutally murdered (a broken neck and a spontaneous combustion). An aquarium full of goldfish are boiled alive. The fact that Freddy has the balls to do that leads me to call shenanigans on Freddy vs. Jason. There is NO WAY that Jason should win that fight. Oops. There are spoilers in this paragraph.

Hopefully, Freddy will get back to his best arena--the dream realm--in the near future. I have high hopes when there are sequels called The Dream Child, The Dream Warriors, and The Dream Dream Dream Dream.

Forgot a poem

I did write a poem this week--another haiku for Sacco's MySpace wall. I just forgot to post it.

cristina sacco
the chemistry superstar
a haiku for you

Jason goes to Hell, and then to Space, and then into our hearts

This is it. The virtual end of the Friday the 13th franchise. Sure, Freddy vs. Jason is forthcoming, but I'm still about seven movies away from that.

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday neither features Jason going to Hell (at least not for long), nor is it the final Friday. The plot of this movie is a little wacky (at least wacky compared to the tried-and-true series formula). Jason does not exist in corporeal form for 9/10 of the movie. Instead, his spirit possesses various Crystal Lake citizens until the perfect host body can be found. This is facilitated by a coroner eating Jason's heart--which, really, makes a whole lot of sense when you think about it.

Despite the plot, Jason Goes to Hell is a welcome return to form. The MPAA must have backed off from the creators, as the kills are much more gruesome and satisfying in this film than in any of the last four. Somebody gets a car door slammed on their skull. A guy has his arm broken at mid-forearm in a welcome bit of gore. The best kill is one I had been hoping for since I started watching the series. Finally, somebody got the axe while they were in the act of dirty, premarital sex. Not only that, but it's the best kill in the film. The woman (riding cowboy, for those interested) is cleaved in half. Hot-dog style, not hamburger-style. That's some good shit.

Jason Goes to Hell was the first Friday movie released by New Line Cinema, meaning that they were welcome to include elements of some of their other horror franchises. The Necronomicon from the Evil Dead series appears in the old Voorhees house. Infamously, Freddy Krueger's glove pulls Jason's hockey mask down to hell--a moment that inspired a geekgasm in 1993 and a spin-off in 2003.

Before I move on to the next movie: I'd feel loathe if I didn't mention the best dialogue thus far in the entire franchise.

Reporter: I'm going to say a couple of words to you and I want you to say the first thing that comes into your mind.
Creighton Duke: Okay.
Robert Campbell: Jason Voorhees.
Creighton Duke: That makes me think of a little girl in a pink dress sticking a hot dog through a doughnut.

In the long history of cinema, Jason X may be a high point. I mean, after they put a zombie serial killer in space and make him a cyborg, WHERE ELSE IS THERE TO GO?

It's important to note that even in the year 2455, sexy teens make up ninety percent of the universe's population. Even the team of battle-hardened space commandos includes buxom babes in both blonde and brunette styles. Jason X features, probably, the most gratuitous nudity of any of the Friday movies. A girl's shirt is torn off as she is attacked. One couple has sex. The robot shows off her new, metal nipples. Giggling hologram babes take off their shirts and invite Jason into their sleeping bags for premarital sex and some marijuana. On the boobies scale, this movie gets a nine out of ten.

The ten years between entries in the franchise made quite a difference. The gore is ramped up to levels previously unseen, and the setting allows for some inventive kills that just can't be done in a 1980's lakeside summer camp. In fact, when making notes on kills I left more "awesome kill" asterisks than not. A soldier gets sliced in half at the waist and is left to drag his torso across the room. Another is impaled on a giant corkscrew--gravity does the rest of the work as his body spins down to the hilt. A woman's entire body is pulverized and squeezed through a fist-sized hole in the wall due to a loss of cabin-pressure. The two topless teens mentioned in the previous paragraph each crawl into sleeping bags (in a call-back to The New Blood) and are beaten to death in a similar (but much more gruesome) way. The best kill, though, takes place early on. A busty, scantily-clad scientist has her face dipped into liquid nitrogen. Then, the frozen noggin is smashed against the wall, shattering into a million pieces. Joy!

Of course the movie is shitty. I could whine about how Jason becomes a robot that rivals Super Shredder in cheesy-monstrousness. There are technologies that don't make a whole lot of sense. The dialogue is flat. However, to complain that this movie is shitty seems kind of pointless--I mean, it's the final, shitty entry in a series that is built (and loved because) of shittiness. What a great ride.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

Today I caught Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, or, as I like to call it, Jason Takes a Boat Ride.

The movie has its ups and downs. While it's uneven, it's probably better than The New Blood. The kills--absolutely the most important part of any good slasher movie--are much more inventive. A chick gets bashed in the face with a guitar. One fellow is stabbed by a harpoon-less harpoon launcher. A hoodlum is stabbed in the chest with a hypodermic needle. A boxer gets his head punched clean off his neck. In fact, I got my ever-sought-after "jaw-dropping" moment. While relaxing in the sauna, one coed finds himself the proud owner of a burning hot sauna rock inside of his chest cavity. What a lucky gent!

There's enough irksome stuff about Jason Takes Manhattan that never allows it to achieve the greatness of the franchise's earliest entries. We've all come to accept that Jason is now virtually invincible. However, this film's Jason defies the laws of physics. For example: one man climbs a ladder, being chased by Jason. He arrives on the roof, only to find...Jason! It's pretty silly.

For the first time, we hear noise coming out of Jason's mouth, and it's just...awkward. The sound effect is definitely drawn from an elephant's call. A male grunt would have sufficed, and it would have saved me the time of cleaning up all of that soda that came out of my nose.

And then there's the misnomer. Jason does not take Manhattan in this movie. Jason takes a boat for 3/4 of the movie. Jason takes a random shipyard. Jason takes a random alley. Jason takes a random subway. Jason takes a random sewer. The only time Jason is seen in any location distinctively Manhattan-ian, it's a brief five seconds in Times Square. A definite disappointment. At least the dinosaurs in The Lost World got to kill civilians. All Jason got to do was lift his mask to spook some punk kids.

Tomorrow Jason will go to hell (and probably space as well). I'll be in touch.

Love,

Spoodles

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood was supremely disappointing after the relative return to form that was Jason Lives. It was not bad in the same way that A New Beginning was--the humor in the film is more similar to the first four films than Parts V and VI. Instead, this film does absolutely nothing. It's an exercise in mediocrity.

There's an interesting twist to The New Blood: the lead character is telekenetic. There were a lot of ways they could have gone with this, and none of them were taken. Instead, she's pretty much the exact same character as Tommy Jarvis in Jason Lives--a supposed "crazy" whom nobody believes.

None of the characters--even the heroine herself--are interesting or nice enough for us to sympathize. Instead, the viewer finds himself tapping his toe impatiently, waiting for the very welcome murders to come.

There is only one (1) worthwhile kill in the entire movie, and it's dedicated to a fourth-tier character that appears for five minutes. A woman is picked up inside her sleeping bag and bashed against a tree, the crunch of bones quite audible.

Where the movie does succeed, however, is in creating several characters more detestable than any of their predecessors. A psychiatrist uses the heroine for his own purposes, and eventually sacrifices her mother to the great and powerful Jason. One bitchy bitch is a total bitch, mocking the psych-ward history of the lead. That's why it's a shame that every kill in the movie either falls under the category of "Being Stabbed," or has already been done in a previous Friday. A man is punched through the chest (Jason Lives). A head is crushed in Jason's bare hands (Part 3). There is nothing thrilling, and most of the kills don't even take place on-screen (presumably due to MPAA pressures).

I haven't heard good things about the following sequels, but...well, there's always hope.

An Inconvenient Lunch*

My normal lunch crew--myself, Nick, and Megan--changed venues today due to the school dicking around with our meals. Inside the alternate dining hall, I stumbled upon two friends. Schmenis and F. Scott. I invited these two fine fellows to our lunch table, and I introduced them to Megan. So ends the harrowing journey of this task.

Also, I drank a mixture of yellow mustard and Diet Pepsi.

*Not necessarily inconvenient.

Friday the 13th Parts 5 and 6

Because ain't nobody gonna tell me how to live my life, I spent my Saturday morning watching movies that have no business being seen in the light of day.

Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning is an awful movie. Not B-movie awful, but beyond that and into the realm of C-level. Awful beyond words. Just...awful. I've always heard that about it, but I was willing to give it the benefit of the doubt.

The main negative about A New Beginning is the major tonal shift. The movie is just all kinds of goofy. Whereas Fridays 1 through 4 retained a certain amount of gravitas (yes, I did just equate crushing a head in the bare hands with a solemn sense of dignity), A New Beginning is the first of what I assume to be several "slapsticky" Fridays. The characterization is all silly, and there are very few that the viewer actually roots for.

Additionally, this film is all about the missed opportunities. The murderer has two (2) chances to off somebody when they're taking a dump, but instead he waits until they're finished. Ever the gentleman. He also passes on the option to kill two teenagers as they're screwing (and to slaughter a child--come on, he's done pets!). In fact, all of the kills are relatively tame, and there were no moments that shocked me in their awesomeness.

Not a lost cause, though. This is the first film in the series to forego the montage of previous films, instead opening in media res. The sheriff is played by the poor man's Bill Pullman, who is already the poor man's Alec Baldwin. There's a fencing duel between a machete-wielding killer and a chainsaw-wielding heroine. And then there's Reggie the Reckless.

Reggie is a sassy black kid and the true hero of the movie (fuck you, Tommy Jarvis). Following the Temple of Doom formula that adding a whip-smart child sidekick makes any movie worthwhile, Reggie the Reckless drives a hay baler into the murderer and is the only character in the series thus far that can look Jason in the mask without flinching.

There aren't many worthwhile kills (most of them were simple stabs), but there are some that didn't leave me yawning. A Fonzie-wannabe takes a road flare in the mouth. Happily, the comic relief is clotheslined by a sword while he's hooting and hollering on his motorcycle. One mental patient gets her face snipped in half with pinking shears, and another has his head crushed by a tightening belt.

Whether or not the movie sucks, it is worth watching for one reason alone: A New Beginning brought us one of the best lines in cinema history. "You big dildo! Eat your fucking slop!"

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives is better. It takes the viewer back to Camp Crystal Lake--and more importantly, to the real Jason. The kills are much more inventive and much more grusome in this sequel than the last, and this is Jason at his best yet--completely invulnerable to the tools and weapons of man.

What's wrong with this movie is, again, the slapstick nature of some scenes. The first four movies gave off the aura of fear in the woods. This movie is full of self-referential "humor" throughout. One character says that she's "seen enough scary movies to know" to run away from a masked man. Another looks directly at the camera and says, "Some folks sure got a strange idea of entertainment."

The most horrifying thing about this movie though--and hopefully something that won't be repeated in the five movies I've yet to see--is a ridiculously silly death. One paintball player is thrown into a tree, and when he slides off an enormous smiley face is left where his head hit. A GODDAMN SMILEY FACE.

Thankfully there's a wealth of good stuff to offset the bad. I love the fact that Jason's maggoty corpse is Frankensteined back to life by a bolt of lightning. The invincible Jason is a lot more fun, I think, than the old, shitty Jason of old. I've never heard it before, so I'm going to assume that whoever wrote this script coined the term "farthead." And Alice Cooper's theme song is absolutely brilliant.

And then the deaths. Not a full return to the glory of the first three sequels, but there were some moments of gory brilliance in Jason Lives. Jason punches a guy in the chest and comes out the other side with a still-beating heart. A woman is speared right through her open mouth. A crazy old drunk (see: self-referential humor and the word "farthead") is stabbed in the throat with a broken bottle. A head is twisted clean off of a woman's body like a bottle cap. And the troublesome sheriff is folded in half--hamburger-style, not hot-dog-style.

There is a stand-out in this film though: Jason has snuck onto a camper. The driver has the music blasting so loud that he can't hear his girlfriend's panicked screams for help. Jason pulls her into the bathroom and smashes her face in the wall, until...well...

Imagine this, except on the outside of a frigging camper.

Kick-ass. Jason Voorhees will return in...Thunderball.

A night with Chris the Great and Timbo

I haven't seen my two best friends--Chris the Great and Tim--since mid June, so it's high time I start hanging out with them again.

Tonight we saw School for Scoundrels, which far exceeded my very minimal expectations. In fact, it's probably the best comedy I've seen in a long time.

We proceeded to the Colonial Park Diner, where we played catch-up the only way we know how--we shared vulgar stories and stupid jokes. I don't know why I've spent so much time away from these guys, but for the first time in a long time I actually felt that emotion called "love" with somebody outside of my family. These are MY guys.

Also: Chris the Great recommended a movie to me, adding an item to MOVIES #9: Watch the next five movies recommended to me. Eventually I will be seeing Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, a movie that has been recommended to me countless times over the past few years. In the near future, I'll finally make good on my threats of watching it.

Friday the 13th Parts 3 and 4

Another scary-movie day (one of many leading up to All Hallow's Eve).

Friday the 13th, Part 3 is, famously, the 3D installment of the series. This is beneficial inasmuch as it allows the director to get really wacky with the kills--even moreso than in the first two films--but also a curse because there is a lot of "WATCH OUT FOR THE YO-YO COMING AT THE CAMERA" that I associate with that one episode of Home Improvement when Tool Time went 3D and Tim kept on poking shit at the camera for no good reason.

Another unfortunate element of the third Friday is the opening "flashback" sequence. Where the first sequel featured a montage of the final face-off, this film starts off with a ten-minute chunk taken directly from its predecessor.

That's not to say I disliked this one.

There are, once again, a fair number of awesome kills. One character takes a harpoon to the eye. Another is bludgeoned four times and then, later, hacked to bits with a machete. A woman is stabbed in the back and right through the boob, and any way you look at it that's pretty awesome. Jason even crushes a man's head with his bare hands.

In every one of these films thus far, there's been a moment where my jaw literally dropped. The first had the knife right through Kevin Bacon's throat. Part 2 had the heroine from the first one taking a screwdriver to the temple. This one...oh, this one. A guy with a penchant for walking on his hands is traversing down a staircase when--OH SNAP--he takes a massive machete strike right between the legs. Not only did my jaw drop, but I let out an audible "O-ho!" which, I'm sure, confused the neighbor on the other side of my thin apartment wall.

An amazing film, although not up to Part 2's standards. I didn't even get around to mentioning the kickass disco theme song; or dear, departed Crazy Ralph's replacement--the Hobo That Sleeps In The Middle of the Road and Shows Teenagers an Eyeball.

Moving on to Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, which is obviously a dirty whore of a liar. The opening sequence is a bit better than the previous two, because it tells the story of Jason instead of the story of the last movie. More exciting, though, are the opening credits. Corey Feldman! Crispin Glover! It's a veritable Who's Who of E! True Hollywood Stories.

My favorite kill of the movie happens very early on. Axl the lecherous mortician takes a bonesaw to the neck, and when Axl's spinal cord is gone, Jason twists his head around like a boulder on a rag. Other awesome deaths: a hitchhiker is knifed right through the brain stem; one skinny-dipper takes a harpoon to the nuts; a skull is slowly crushed against a bathroom wall; a young lady takes it right to the chest with an axe hewn through a door. Jason, meanwhile, gets to live the American dream and thwack Crispin Glover in the face with a butcher's knife.

The moment that made my jaw drop in Final Chapter, however, was not the murder of a teen. Instead, it was the defeat of Jason. After being macheted right in the head, Jason hits the ground handle-first, driving the knife deep within his noggin and deforming his head all kinds of awesome.

The ending is ominous in a different way than the previous three films, and if I didn't already know how Friday the 13th, Part V: A New Beginning ends, I'd probably be in hog heaven next time around.

Friday the 13th and Friday the 13th Part 2

A Fright-Night double feature!

The original Friday the 13th is not the most amazing slasher film (although, of course, it started one of the most amazing slasher series). What it has going for it:

1. Kevin Bacon!
2. A few, excellent on-screen kills.
1. One character takes an axe to the head.
2. Another has a bowie shoved through his neck from underneath a bed.
3. The mystery of who the murderer is.

Unlike the other Friday the 13th movies, the killer is not known to the viewer (unless you've seen it before, as I have several times). And thankfully, unlike the slew of recent Scream-type flicks, it's not one of the five characters you know from earlier in the movie.

What it has going against it:

1. Plodding direction
2. A significant lack of on-screen deaths

There's really no excuse for the direction except that it's pretty damn bad. The lack of on-screen deaths, I think, can be attributed to the masking of the villain.

Friday the 13th, Part 2 on the other hand is much, much better in the realm of editing and direction. Then again, maybe those stayed the same and the musical score got more dynamic. Either way, my attention was held for the entire 87 minutes.

The movie starts off with a painful, ten-minute montage (painful if you just finished watching the first film, that is). However, there's enough good stuff afterwards to ignore that.

Pluses:

1. Lots more on-screen deaths, including awesome ones such as:
1. A screwdriver to the temple
2. A claw hammer to the head
3. A machete to the face
4. A spear through two people and a bed all at the same time
2. Jason is an equal opportunity killer, slaughtering the hell out of a guy in a wheelchair, a cop, and a dog (well, we're meant to think he did in the dog).
3. The triumphant return of Crazy Ralph. You're all DOOMED!

This movie really sets the rest of the series in motion--gratuitous nudity, grisly and outlandish murders, and silly "prankster" characters (although at least in Part 2, the prankster doesn't get what's coming to him)

All in all an exciting film, and I'm anxious to continue this journey tomorrow.

Bad poetry? Oh noetry!

Another week, another poem.

Pieces from an Untitled Poem

Scrawl it down on a blue post-
card--"Wish I were here, XO"--
and send it to someone I
don't know.

?

Until
I'm a ghostwriter with an
inkless ballpoint pen, trying
to scratch out my name again.

South Park's seventh season

South Park Season 7

After rewatching the failure that was Team America: World Police, it's good to know that Matt Stone and Trey Parker actually spend some of their time creating something worthwhile. This season was great, and there were quite a few episodes I was seeing for the very first time.

Stand-outs include "Fat Butt and Pancake Head," in which Cartman gives Ben Affleck a hand job and Mitch Connor makes his South Park debut; the Crab People of "South Park is Gay"; the lyrical stylings of Faith Plus One in "Christian Rock Hard"; and the lengths Cartman will go to in order to spend the night at "Casa Bonita."

For the life of me, I couldn't really find a weak link. My least favorite episode of the bunch was "I'm A Little Bit Country," but it was still pretty great.

Would highly recommend. Tell your kids.

The closest I'll ever get to Las Vegas.

I spent my Friday night building a scenic, 500-piece image of Las Vegas with my dear mother. The neon lights were, as can be expected, easy. The black, nighttime sky was a bit more difficult. It took us two and a half hours to do the sky.

COMPLETION TIME: Three hours and forty-five minutes.

Team America: World Police

Team America: World Police

I saw this one in theaters the first weekend it was released. It should have been huge with me: I love everything else released by Trey Parker and Matt Stone (South Park, BASEketball, and Cannibal: The Musical among others); I love political humor; and I love stupid puppets.

It was extremely disappointing then.

When I popped in the Unrated DVD, I was hoping for a better experience and was, once again, let down. It's just really not all that good of a movie. Many of the jokes fall flat. There are redeeming qualities: the musical score by Harry Gregson-Williams and the songs by Trey Parker are both top-notch. The craftsmanship is a marvel. While they look like "crappy puppets," there are some instances that I was impressed with what they did.

Probably won't be popping this puppy in again any time soon.

May I be of assistance?

Today I made my first of what will be many Halloween store runs. I stopped at Wal Mart first, looking for elusive Black Cat (or Cocoa Cat) Peeps or something spooky to put in my apartment. No dice. Next was K-Mart for the same reason, and once again I left empty-handed (although I could have easily picked up a few Christmas decorations already!). Then to Giant for Peeps and for some regular-type groceries. I picked up some bitching Halloween lights to replace the finally-burnt-out Christmas lights from last November. Then, my final stop was the Dollar Tree (coincidentally, my last hope in this podunk town for cat-type Peeps).

It was 8:55 and the store opened at 9:00. I was waiting outside with a middle-aged woman, striking up a conversation about the cold weather and what each of us were doing at the Dollar Tree at the asscrack of morning. She told me she was there for clear, Christmas-type lights to put amongst her leaves for autumn.

They opened their doors, and their Christmas section(!!!) left quite a bit to be desired for her. While I was basking in the glory of Halloween madness (but, alas, no catpeeps), she was milling around the store like a lost puppy looking for lights. Digging through a Halloween bin, I found them. White Christmas lights, presumably from last year's holiday set-up. I hunted the woman down, and she was quite pleased.

This did not merit a post this long, but I'm trying to think of the happy morning I had before I saw a dead cat lying on the road.

Mission: complete. Now I'll never have to help anybody ever again.

A poem from Haikul Mike

A haiku based on Sacco's latest MySpace picture (written 2006-09-19)

sacco at fifteen
hair as blue as oceans deep
matches her necklace

Hey, I never said the poems had to be epic.

The Simpsons's seventh season

The Simpsons: Season Seven

It's been a long time since I've really taken a seat and watched The Simpsons. I've always got something better to do when it's running on syndication, and over the past eight years I haven't exactly been a faithful Sunday evening viewer. Like many, I was under the impression that The Simpsons has suffered a severe decline in comedy since approximately season ten or eleven.

Looking back at old episodes with the benefit of time and without the benefit of my rose-colored glasses, that's definitely not the case. I just completed my seventh Simpsons box set (The Complete Seventh Season), and viewing the episodes in production order shows a very gradual but very recognizable gradation from the more "serious" episodes that I love to the more "goofy" episodes of late that I seemed to loathe. In fact, I watched the first two episodes of the current season (Season 18) as I was watching this boxset, and they fit in just fine.

It's good to revisit stuff I loved when I was young. It's better to discover that I have seven or eight seasons of quality comedy that I didn't even bother to watch, all coming to me within the next few years on DVD.

The Simpsons Season 7: complete. Watching everything I own: far from over.

Vertigo

One movie watched.

Vertigo by Alfred Hitchcock. Not my favorite Hitchcock film. Better than Sabateur and The Trouble With Harry, on par with Rear Window, and not nearing the glory of Strangers on a Train or Rope. I missed the Hitchcock cameo. Jimmy Stewart is exceptional as always (although if it's "as always," it's not an exception), and the directing is great (it's Hitchcock after all). However, the story is a little overlong, and I probably would have tried to find a way to shorten the last half hour.

The twist of it all actually surprised me. The shadow rising in the bell tower at the very end is a very shocking/frightening image.

This is all I have to say about Vertigo.

I smiled and said hello to a stranger

Not a whole lot to report on this front. An attractive, young mother was pushing a stroller by me on my way back from class today. I smiled and said "Hi." She reciprocated.

This is the first Complete goal thus far.

Angles

This is a poem I wrote for this evening's Poetry Writing class. Usually I'll elaborate more when a goal is completed or progress is made, but I don't like to explain my poetry. Here is Week #1.

angles

a slipshod sculpture of poorly-welded and rusty metal
in a showcase by the door
not on display
but ogled nonetheless
by bespectacled connoisseurs of nothing but their own opinions
who cluck their tongues
and tell you
what is and
what isn't
artful
while they whittle away their turpentine-saturated existences
waiting

The List

Welcome to Spoodles'ss List (not to be confused with Schindler's List). If you haven't heard of the 1001 Day Project, check it out over at Triplux.

This page will deal with how and when I cross the items off my list. I need to be done by June 9, 2009. Wish me luck, and I'll keep you in-the-know.

• Friends
1. Hang out with Chris The Great at least once every two months. (in progress 2006-12-23)
2. Hang out with Tim at least once every two months. (in progress 2007-11-17)
3. Finish Twin Peaks with Miles and Toni. (completed 2007-06)
   
4. Retrieve my MIA Hedwig and the Angry Inch DVD from Anna
5. Go mini-golfing with Theresa. (Completed 2007-08-15)
6. Play board games with friends. (completed 2006-11-25)
7. Introduce two of my friends that don't know one another. (completed 2006-10-02)
8. Go on a destinationless road trip with at least one friend.
9. Make a mix CD for a friend. (completed 2006 10-11)

• Things to do
1. Play a game of Hide N' Seek late at night at Wal Mart with at least five other people.
2. Go on a scavenger hunt with at least five other people.
3. Go bowling (Completed 2006-12-23)
   
4. Run a seven-minute mile. (Completed 2006-12-22)
   
5. Ask a girl out (Completed 2007-03-01)
6. Find a well-paying job with benefits. (Completed 2007-07-05)
   
7. Graduate college (Completed 2007-05-12)
8. Save $2000 (Completed 2007-04-06)
9. Buy a piece of clothing that is incredibly expensive.
10. Stay up late enough to watch a sunrise
11. Apply for Survivor and Amazing Race. (Survivor completed 2007-01-15)
    
12. Handwrite a letter (completed)
13. Anonymously donate $100 to a charity (Completed 2007-05-03)
14. Run for a charity
15. Organize and catalog my video games
16. Travel on an airplane (Completed 2007-11-17)
17. Sky dive (Completed 2007-11-17)
18. Sing karaoke in front of strangers (Completed 2007-11-09)
    
19. Maintain vegetarianism
20. Send a secret to "PostSecret"
21. Vocally and vehemently express anger to a person I'm angry at. (Completed 2007-11-12)
    
22. Help a stranger. (completed 2006-09-21)
23. Set something on fire.
24. Have a twenty-minute conversation with somebody I just met. (Completed 2007-03-03)
25. Write a letter to a politician on a subject important to me.
26. Move out of my parents' house
27. Ride on a train.
28. Go to a midnight madness release-date sale (at a store that isn't normally open at midnight).
29. Dress up for no reason. (Completed 2006-11-07)
30. Dress down when it's not appropriate. (Completed 2007-05-12)
31. Dress up on Halloween. (Completed 2007-10-31)
    
32. Have the day off on Christmas.
33. Have the day off on Easter.
34. Distribute candy to Trick or Treaters. (Completed 2007-10-26)
    
35. Write a letter to a teacher thanking them.
36. Get a famous person's autograph.
37. Save an entire paycheck. (Completed 2007-01)
38. Get my picture professionally taken
39. Buy a good digital camera (Completed 2007-08-15)
40. Smile and say hello to a stranger. (Completed 2006-09-15)
41. Tip 50% to a deserving waiter or waitress. (Completed 2007-05-03)
42. Write a letter to the editor of a newspaper on a topic important to me.

• Places to go
1. Get lost. (Completed 2007-06-29)
   
2. Leave the country
3. Swim in the ocean.
4. Go to Atlantic City.
5. Spend time in a social place where nobody knows me. Pretend I am somebody else.
6. Go to a church service alone, at some church/denomination other than my own.
7. Visit the Pennsylvania State Museum
8. Visit an art museum
9. Visit another museum in Harrisburg.
10. Visit New York City

• Movies
1. Watch everything I own that I have yet to watch on DVD
1. Baghdad Bob (Viewed 2007-04-06)
2. Belle and Sebastian: Fans Only (Viewed 2007-04-06)
3. Belle and Sebastian: The Blues are Still Blue
4. Belle and Sebastian: White Collar Boy
5. The Birds
6. Blue Velvet (viewed 2006-12-13)
7. A Clockwork Orange
8. The Deer Hunter
9. Dune
10. Family Plot
11. Freddy vs Jason (viewed 2006-10-24)
12. Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (viewed 2006-10-22)
13. Frenzy
14. Friday the 13th (viewed 2006-09-27)
15. Friday the 13th, Part 2 (viewed 2006-09-27)
16. Friday the 13th, Part 3 (viewed 2006-09-28)
17. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (viewed 2006-09-28)
18. Friday the 13th, Part V: A New Beginning (viewed 2006-09-30)
19. Friday the 13th, Part VI: Jason Lives (viewed 2006-09-30)
20. Friday the 13th, Part VII: The New Blood (viewed 2006-10-02)
21. Friday the 13th, Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (viewed 2006-10-04)
22. Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (viewed 2006-10-05)
23. Jason X (viewed 2006-10-05)
24. License to Kill
25. Lost Highway
26. The Man Who Fell to Earth
27. The Man Who Knew Too Much
28. Marnie
29. Morrissey: Oye Esteban (Viewed 2007-04-06
30. Morrissey: Who Put the M in Manchester (Viewed 2007-04-06)
31. The Muppet Show: Season 1 (Viewed 2007-04-06)
32. A Nightmare on Elm St. (viewed 2006-10-07)
33. A Nightmare on Elm St. 2: Freddy's Revenge (viewed 2006-10-07)
34. A Nightmare on Elm St. 3: Dream Warriors (viewed 2006-10-17)
35. A Nightmare on Elm St. 4: The Dream Master (viewed 2006-10-17)
36. A Nightmare on Elm St. 5: The Dream Child (viewed 2006-10-22)
37. Pee-Wee's Playhouse (the entire series)
38. The Producers (viewed 2006-12-13)
39. Psycho
40. Ren and Stimpy: Season 3 1/2 (viewed 2006-12-12)
41. Scrooged
42. Seinfeld Season 5 (Viewed 2006-02-20)
43. Seinfeld Season 6 (Viewed 2006-03-01)
44. Silver Streak (viewed 2006-12-12)
45. The Simpsons Season 7 (viewed 2006-09-19)
46. The Simpsons Season 8 (viewed 2007-01-20)
47. The Smiths: The Complete Picture (Viewed 2007-04-06)
48. South Park Season 7 (viewed 2006-09-26)
49. The Spy Who Loved Me
50. Star Wars: Droids
51. Star Wars: Ewok Adventures
52. Star Wars: Ewoks
53. The Stars of Star Wars
54. The Story of Star Wars
55. Team America: World Police (viewed 2006-09-21)
56. Topaz
57. Torn Curtain
58. Uncle Saddam (Viewed 2007-04-06)
59. Vertigo (viewed 2006-09-15)
60. Wes Craven's New Nightmare (viewed 2006-10-24)
61. Wild at Heart (viewed 2006-12-12)
62. The X-Files Season 1 (viewed 2007-08)
    
63. (ANY OTHERS I PICK UP)
2. Rewatch some movies I haven't seen in too long
1. A.I. Artificial Intelligence
2. A Better Place (Viewed 2007-05-03)
3. Blazing Saddles
4. The Bourne Identity (Viewed 2007-04-06)
5. The Bourne Supremacy (Viewed 2007-04-06)
6. A Christmas Story
7. Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas (viewed 12-22-06)
8. Mulholland Drive
9. Superman: The Movie
3. Watch the entire Star Wars series (Episodes I-VI) in short order
4. Watch the entire Back to the Future series in short order
5. Watch the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy in short order
6. Watch the Indiana Jones trilogy in short order.
7. Watch the Jurassic Park trilogy in short order.
8. Watch the Matrix trilogy in short order
9. Watch the next five movies recommended to me
1. Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (recommended by Chris the Great)
2. Point Break (recommended by Mr. D)
3. Hoodwinked (recommended by Mr. D) (viewed 2007-01-10)
4. Little Miss Sunshine (recommended by Kelly) (viewed 2007-03-01)
10. Compile a personal "Top 25 Films" list
11. Go to a midnight showing of a movie.
12. Buy and peruse a book reviewing all movies and highlight everything I've seen. Make a master list. Keep list up-to-date with any new movies.

• Reading
1. Rediscover reading-for-pleasure. (Completed 2006-12-06)
2. Catch up on all the Jeffrey Deaver books I've never read.
3. Catch up on all the John Grisham books I've never read.
4. Read the next five books recommended to me
1. Kurt Vonnegut: Slaughterhouse-Five (Read 2007-06)
2. Tori Amos: Tori Amos Piece By Piece (Recommended by Ashley)
   
5. Organize and catalog my books (Completed 2007-06)
   
6. Read a Shakespeare play without being forced to for class.

• Writing
1. Write a full-length screenplay.
2. Write a one-act stageplay.
3. Write a short story. (Completed 2006-11-21)
4. Write a new poem every week (in progress, 2006-12-06)
5. Collaborate on writing something with Chris the Great.
6. Read a poem of my own in public (outside of Poetry class)

• Music
1. Complete my Morrissey collection
1. Suedehead single
2. Everyday is Like Sunday single
3. The Last of the Famous International Playboys single
4. Interesting Drug single
5. Picadilly Palare single
6. Our Frank single
7. Pregnant for the Last Time single
8. You're The One For Me, Fatty single
9. Tomorrow single
10. Certain People I Know single
11. Hold On To Your Friends single
12. Interlude single
13. Dagenham Dave single
14. The Boy Racer CD#2 single
15. Sunny single
16. Alma Matters single
17. Roy's Keen single
18. Satan Rejected My Soul single
2. Complete my Elliott Smith collection
1. Ballad of Big Nothing EP
2. Baby Britain CD#1
3. Baby Britain CD#2
4. Waltz #2 (XO)
5. Son of Sam (3-track single)
6. American Beauty soundtrack
7. 3 Titres Inedits
8. A Slice of Lemon
3. Complete my Beatles collection
1. Yellow Submarine (Received 2006-11-04)
2. Yellow Submarine (songtrack)
4. Complete my Danny Elfman collection
1. Fable
2. Spider-man 2 Soundtrack
3. Spider-man Soundtrack
4. The Family Man soundtrack
5. Black Beauty
6. Psycho (full score)
5. Complete my John Williams collection
1. Angela's Ashes (British)
2. Rosewood
3. Sleepers
4. Nixon
5. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (OST)
6. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (expanded)
7. Far and Away
8. JFK
9. Presumed Innocent
10. Stanley and Iris
11. Always
12. The Accidental Tourist
13. The Witches of Eastwick
14. Spacecamp
15. The River
16. Monsignor
17. E.T. (OST)
18. Yes, Giorgio
19. Heartbeeps
20. 1941
21. Dracula
22. Superman (OST)
23. Jaws II
24. The Fury
25. Black Sunday
26. Midway
27. The Missouri Breaks
28. Everything before Jaws, damnit
6. Complete my David Bowie collection
1. David Live
2. Stage
3. Ziggy Stardust: The Motion Picture
4. Tonight
5. Tin Machine: Oy Vey, Baby
6. Black Tie, White Noise
7. The Buddha of Suburbia
8. Santa Monica '72
9. All Saints
7. Listen to the next five albums recommended to me
   1. The Killers: Sam's Town (recommended by Brad Keen) (Heard 2006-10-08)
   2. Damien Rice: 9 (recommended by Ashley) (Heard 2007-03-07)

• Family
1. Spend a day with just my grandfather.
2. Visit the graves of my grandparents alone.
3. Spend a day doing something with just my brother.
4. Spend a day doing something with just my sister.
5. Spend a day doing something with just my mom.
6. Spend a day doing something with just my dad.
7. Spend an entire day with my sister watching things from our childhood.
8. Play board games with my family. (Completed 2006-11-04)
9. Build a jigsaw puzzle with my family. (completed 2006-09-22)